When it comes to offering support to those we love, most see compassionate responses to distress as desirable.
Just the thought of my young son in emotional or physical pain, ignites a deep desire to respond with high levels of kindness, warmth, and compassion. It’s not always possible, but this is where I’m shooting, when I imagine parenting at my best. When he’s up against it, compassionate support from me and those closest to him, is the response I want for him.
Of course, it does not end with my son. I want the same for my partner, my parents, my friends, my colleagues and even the stranger in the street and of course you.
Yet, self-compassion is a different story! I’ve never been sure that I wanted or needed that, and it turns out I’m not alone.
Over the last 20 years, a growing number of researchers have sort to better understand why directing the flow of compassion inwards, is not only difficult it’s actively avoided by so many people. This is despite compassion being tied to a string of benefits – with more compassionate people being found to experience higher levels of positive emotions, lower levels of self-criticism, emotional distress, and fewer relationship insecurities (Kirby, Doty, Petrocchi, & Gilbert, 2017).
So the question is, why do we avoid self-compassion, when its clearly good for us??
The Negative Associations
Sadly, self-compassion has many negative associations. Indulgent, selfish, weak, fluffy, soft and a way for individuals to let themselves off the hook, are some of the ways that people often view self-compassion. This makes tending to our own needs in a compassionate way, something of a radical act. I mean if doing so, makes you selfish or weak in the eyes of yourself and/or others, why on earth would you do it?!
Unfortunately, these negative associations couldn’t be further from what compassion is about.
The Truth about Self-Compassion
There is now widespread agreement amongst researchers and therapists working in this field, that compassion can be defined as:
‘A sensitivity to suffering in ourselves or others, with a deep commitment to elevate & prevent it’ (Gilbert, 2014).
In my view, part of the confusion has stemmed from compassion being overly associated with warmth and softness, when in truth compassion has many faces. It can of course be about tending to pain with a slow, soothing, soft quality but compassion can also look very different to this. The firefighter who rescues residents from a burning building, or the mother who prevents her child dashing into a busy road are unlikely to approach either situation in a slow, soft, soothing way but both are compassionate acts. This is because compassion is not a stance or rigidly derived from prescriptive qualities. Compassion is rooted in intention and motivation.
When framed in this way, who honestly, hand on heart, wouldn’t like a dose of compassion. Who wouldn’t want to be able to see suffering, especially suffering that which exists within each of us & engage in actions to elevate and prevent it! After all, life is hard enough. Why do we need to suffer more than is necessary?
“I want to be self-compassionate but I just can’t….” The Fears, Blocks & Resistances
I won’t pretend that choosing to engage with yourself compassionately is easy. Heavens no! If it was easy, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post and you wouldn’t be reading it. Even with a good understanding of what compassion is and a deep desire for it, there can be many fears, blocks and resistances that get in the way of cultivating compassion….
- The lady who keeps herself perpetually busy to avoid emotions associated with loss and grief, fearful that if she stops or turns towards her pain, it will overwhelm her.
- The man scolded for having certain feelings as a child, may have learnt that his needs were not important and spent years ‘switching off’ his awareness from them as an adult.
- The gifted undergraduate who seems resistant to give up his ‘inner self-critic’ in favour of a more compassionate version, encase he loses his drive to succeed.
- The busy mum who’s too caught up juggling other things to be able to prioritise herself.
- The young adult ashamed of his actions earlier in life, questions if he is deserving of self-compassion.
You see, we all have reasons why engaging with this work might be difficult, and many things that get in the way of compassion flowing inwards easily. But when this happens it doesn’t mean we need compassion any less, it means if anything we need it more. Acknowledging this need is the most important step!
Cultivating Self-Compassion
There is good news: research shows that under the right conditions, compassion can be cultivated in all of us. This is because the brain is very adaptable and shaped by our experiences and environment. Just like you can take your body to the gym to build fitness, you can take your mind to a metaphorical gym to grow compassion and specifically self-compassion. The key is knowing how to train your compassionate mind effectively.
Excitingly, there are many ways of doing this. Two of the most successful ways of improving self-compassion and therefore improving mental health and wellbeing are undergoing one on one therapy, with a trained compassionate focused therapy psychologist, or enlisting in a compassionate mind training programme. Both methods have an excellent scientific evidence base to enable individuals to improve levels of self-compassion and gain the other associated benefits.
If you are interested in pursuing these ideas further, Holding Hope Therapies offer both individual therapy and small group training programmes.
Our 8-week Compassionate Mind Training Programme runs at various points across the year. Its skills-based format provides the ideal environment to build compassion, in an affordable, supportive setting with likeminded individuals. Each session is guided by our clinical psychologist Dr Firkins who is an experienced psychology trainer and compassion focussed therapist.
For more information about when the next course will run, including how to book on, please click here.
Whatever choice you make, may it help you manage the hardships of life we all face, a little easier and tend towards our own needs in the way we show up for those we hold dearest.
